Well, I’ve been away from all technology for 4 days, not even a phone. Campity, camp camp. But more on that in a minute. Recently I made a joke with Big N that since I ended up having to tell his mother and his ex-wife what was going on, he should have to tell my father and my sister. I wasn’t totally serious, but he said he would and I was just sort of dying to know how that would go down in a sit back with the popcorn way. And also, because my family can be no holds barred brutal, and it seemed a worthy punishment for him to get the first blows.
So while I was incognito, he went and emailed my sister and followed up with a phone call. I didn’t know this till I got back today. So, how did he approach this? In his usual, glossed over, shiny way. Here is the email he sent:
Hello [sister],
we have not met as of yet, but Lisa has told me many good things about you, wonder what she has told you about me. As you know by now, Lisa and I were supposed to get married this past week. However, we did have some unexpected changes. Some were unplanned and some were caused by me.
As you may know I have two kids from before and I have developed a strong connection with both Aaron and Naim and I also love and care for your sister very much. So we had been planning to have Lisa and Aaron and Naim move up here to Canada and we had also talked about having a child together. Well,… This child decided to come along sooner then either Lisa or I thought was possible or likely is maybe more correct.
The short version of the story is that Lisa is pregnant with our baby, this has changed things in regard to earning expectations of the Canadian government to let me sponsor them as well as it has placed a great deal of stress on both Lisa and me. We are working to find a way where this will work for all of us, apart, together or somewhere in between.
I wanted you to just know what is going on with your sister, she is a very special woman and if it would be OK with you I would like to give you a call over the weekend. If you like I can call you either Saturday or Sunday at a time of your choice. Also, please feel free to call me at [number].
Take care and I do hope to meet you in person some time.
N
So that’s how it all happened! We just OOPS! had a baby sooner than we expected and baby and baby alone just OOPS! screwed up our immigration plans. Now, he screws up right off the bat by saying I said many good things about her and my sister’s bullshit detector will know that this is a glossy, shiny statement and will have her questioning everything else. (I’m sure I’ve said some good things about her, but MANY would be stretching it.) Anyway, the part that entertains me the most is the part about how we talked about having a child together and it came along sooner than expected. Our conversations were like this.
Me: I’m having a lot of difficulty with BC pills, and I don’t want to be on them forever or spend all my time/energy/money looking for the perfect birth control method. I’m 38 and we both have 4 kids between us, so what do you think about getting a vasectomy at some point soon?
N: Yeah, I can do that if that is what you want. But I have to admit that I’d love to have a baby with you. I’ve checked, it wouldn’t affect immigration or anything. (He told me this MULTIPLE TIMES, about immigration, I mean.)
Me: Well, I don’t know. I’ve very mixed feelings about having another baby (much elaboration about risks to my health and added work, but also how it would be nice to have a baby and experience just one instead of twins and yet, I’m old and practically infertile anyway and I don’t want to do ART and risk multiples again so if I start thinking about it and wanting it too much, it will drive me nuts.) So let’s just table this topic until after we are married and the move, etc. I’ll stay on BCP and you can wait on the vasectomy and we will talk again later.
N: Okay, deal. But a baby that you and I made sure would be smart/great/fabulous/cute…
Me: ok, but just for now, ixnay on the abybay, okay?
N: OK.
So, I guess they talked for about a half an hour, in which my sister asked a bunch of questions about immigration and parental leave and stuff. And then, and N was quite amused by this, she sort of went off on homeschooling, in an “Are you honestly going to let her homeschool your child?” kind of way. N, being his socialist self, was not on the homeschooling bandwagon at all when I first started talking about homeschooling the twins years ago. But after much debate with me and actually reading things I gave him to read about actual research and stuff, he is a total convert. He still says it is up to me and he wouldn’t protest if I put the kids in PS, but he really likes the idea as does D (who was always on board with it.) So, but that is typically my sister and my whole family actually, they get a bug up their ass about some arbitrary thing almost entirely unrelated to a given situation and they fixate on that as the big issue.
Anyway, my kneejerk reaction when I first read the email and heard the phone call run down was to immediately call up my sister and be all, “uh-uh. that’s not the way it went down! I was on BC pills and he said immigration would work anyway and he screwed up with child support and his other two kids and then he dumped me via email with no explanation and now he is sometimes great and sometimes being a big wuss and so this is something we are dealing with but IT IS SO NOT MY FAULT!!! I did NOT MAKE SUCH A STUPID DECISION as his email implies I did.”
But a minute later I was just like, eh? who cares really. It isn’t going to matter what I say. They are going to bitch at me either way and why waste the energy caring what they think? I’m tired. I’m going to go take a nap. I haven’t heard from her anyway, so whatever.
Moving on…camping. Camping was fun and a hell of a lot of work. I’m glad I did it, it was an accomplishment, but I’m glad its over. The kids had a lot of fun swimming, playing in the sand, hiking, campfire-ing, squaredancing (ha!), hanging out with other kids and adults, etc. It was a feel-good church campy thing with families from my church. One thing that is very hard for me is just simply keeping track of what is going on. Any time someone gathers the group together for announcements or a group activity of any type, I don’t hear about 95% of what is going on. So, I’m constantly lost, I’m incredibly bored out of my mind sitting there for forever pretending to listen, and monitor the kids who are also bored. The kids like to join in to the group activities, but they can’t quite get how to follow directions on their own and they constantly ask me questions and I just have to tell them that I don’t know. I don’t know what game they are playing or how to play it. I don’t know what she is talking about. I don’t know the words to these songs and I can’t hear them anyway. I can’t see what they are holding up, I can’t see the pictures, I can’t see where she is pointing for everyone to go. I’m just drifting along. I sometimes ask questions and I encourage the kids to ask questions and get help from others, but I can’t ask about it all, it is just too much. Its like, if you have one particular thing you missed, people don’t mind filling you in, but to just say, repeat everything that was just said for the last 45 minutes, they kind of give you a blank stare. So I have to pick and choose and prioritize where to get help. And I can usually only get help for the most vital things. (Or the things where I’m just standing there in the middle of the group, clueless. When I’m supposed to be over here doing this or something and someone notices.) Perhaps they did great activities that were loads of fun, I don’t know. I was just bored out of my ever loving mind.
But Little N, especially likes to join in for group things and people were really great about helping him and both the kids actually. It is not only my hearing/vision but the fact that I have two and there is just me that makes it hard. I think people get that more than anything. The meals were all buffet style and I had three plates to juggle and helping people would magically appear. They get that they are holding plates for the kids, but they don’t get that I don’t even know what the food is, where the forks are, when it is my turn to grab food, whatever. Once there was stuff for BLT sandwiches and I took the tongs and grabbed bacon for A. This woman exclaimed, “Do you really want him to eat THAT much bacon!!!???” And I have to say, I can’t tell how much bacon I’m giving him. Its not easy to feel quantity through tongs. I’m just lucky to get the bacon on the plate, no? They don’t think about those things. It isn’t like I expect them to, it is just hard to have people not understand you all the time. And then I can never talk to them easily at meals because it is just too loud. People come sit by me and try to talk to me and I can’t do it. I try, but one sentence takes 10 minutes to decipher and so they usually give up.
It is lonely sometimes. Being a single mom at these things as well as not hearing/seeing. People are all around you and they are very nice and you would like to talk to them. It is almost within your grasp, but you can’t quite make the connections. And then I’m constantly having to worry about keeping track of the kids and I really wish I had a partner when I see many of the other families with partners. And I put the kids to bed at 10 and then I have no one to talk to so I just lay in the dark for the next two hours being alone. Part of this was because Big N said he would go with me and I missed him, and D can’t go because the place is completely inaccessible. But I felt like this last year, too. And I think it is just part of single momhood. It is work and it is fun, and you wish you could share both with someone.
But, dispite the work I’m really glad I did it and there was a lot of fun mixed in with the work and it is really good for the kids to do stuff like this. I most enjoyed the sort of unstructured activities like swimming and walking and hanging out with whoever was around in small groups. I did get to socialize a bit with some of the other moms, and the kids got to be with their friends. And the old people are always nice to me and empathize with me a lot because they often can’t hear/can’t walk well or whatever, too and so they always make a point to stop and talk to us even if just for a moment. I’ll leave you with some pictures.
Little N collecting water for his sandcastle (in the sand volleyball court)
Little A collecting his water.
The sand might have been the highlight of the trip for them.
Playing in the very rocky creek. (OUCH! My feet said.)
Hiking in the "forest."
Tire swing surprise in the "forest."
Making goofy faces.
Little N really got into bussing tables in the cafeteria. He cleaned up after everyone.
Flowers growing inside a tree stump?!
All of our favorite time in hot weather, POOL TIME!
After s'mores and campfire. Flashlights help me keep track of them...If they keep track of the flashlights, that is.
Exhausted after a long day of fun.
*I'm loath to post this pic, but a preggo pic was requested.
*Ok, Little N took this pic after we had been swimming on a very hot day and my hair is dried swimming pool hair and..and…well, its a bad picture but I don’t really have any of me. Anyway, this is my preggo self. I’ve always had a bit of a stomach anyway, but this kid is showing RIGHT AWAY!!! After twins, my uterus went blotto expansion with the mere notion of being pregnant again. So everyone figured out I was pregnant, and some know the whole story but some were just like, “Oh! your husband (meaning D) must be thrilled!” And I was just too tired to explain and what do you say anyway? So I was just like, yeah.
Oh, and by the way, in the quiet night hours of camp when I was laying awake feeling lonely? I felt the baby move for the first time! S/he is still in there, hanging in.
Stella said,
July 5, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Does your dad know? How did he react?
Is the UU campout just for your church, or did any of the other UU churches (or other pple) go to it? We go to the downtown one and I think it would be fun to go next year.
BTW, I met a woman from your church who knew you at the bday party of the child of a mutual friend. My friend (who goes to the downtown UU) introduced me to her and said, “L goes to the UU church in H–.” I said, “Oh, I kinda know someone who goes there, and described you. It turned out that she knew you IRL (was one of the moms at the twins’ summer party) and said that you were “amazing.” Small world, no?
p.s. The pics are SO CUTE–esp. the one of you!
Lexie said,
July 6, 2009 at 9:50 am
Stella, the UU camp is regional, it is mostly people from our church as we sponsor it, but I know there were a few people there from First Church, and several others. It would be cool if you came next year (lets see if I make it next year!).
Yeah, the woman you met was there, too, and she told me she met you. It was kind of funny. The blog world is funny how you “know” people “kinda.” Yet you probably know a lot more about me than she does and I do know her IRL. I kind of find her “amazing” because she has so much energy and is able to do so many things that she makes me dizzy just watching her. So “amazing” is relative, no? Anyway, I figured out fairly quickly that she was talking about you. Small world, for sure.
oh, and I’m sure my dad knows by now as my sister wouldn’t keep something like this quiet. I have no idea how he is reacting, I probably won’t find out till next Saturday when he comes here and walks in and says (deep, gruff voice) “Why the hell did you get knocked up for?”
marisa said,
July 7, 2009 at 4:42 am
Camp sounds like fun! Have you ever thought of bringing an SSP (support service provider for deafblind folks) with you? The SSP could fill you in on the sensory info you need access to, by repeating what someone is saying, describing what someone is holding up, being a sighted guide when you’re directed to go “over there” (someplace that’s only defined by visual cues). If you don’t know any trained SSPs in your area, check with the national and local chapters of the American Association of the Deaf-Blind (AADB) for referrals to organizations and individuals who can help you locate an SSP. And, yes, it would be fabulous if the organization sponsoring the event would magically make all the (correct!) accessibility arrangements, but with something as rare as an SSP (or heck, an interpreter), taking the lead is what will help you get what you need. Also, in my experience, the SSP is usually a volunteer, unless there is some state agency willing to provide funding. And, an SSP could even give you a ride to the event without a conflict of role.
Kate said,
July 7, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Yay, Marisa! I was going to suggest something similar, but you beat me to the punch!
Namely, you are probably not going to need or want a true-biz SSP, or be able to find one. What you CAN do is recruit fairly competent sign language interpreting students, who are often required to do practicum hours anyway. They would be responsible for making communication accessible to you – whether that is close-vision signing, tactile (you don’t do tactile, do you?) or just repeating everything that is said in your ear if all else fails. You would be doing THEM a huge favor, to get their hours, they would be doing you a bit of a service, and if you worked it out to have two come, they could even help you out with the kids during activities if you all set boundaries that you are comfortable with.
I am on the verge of becoming an actual interpreter, and experiences like this were INVALUABLE to the improvement of my skills. In fact, a really nice deaf-blind mom let me do some practice interpreting for her in a similar social situation, doing TACTILE interpreting, and it was a really neat experience. Through her direction, I was able to assist her in participating in the activities and also monitoring her child.
You would have complete control in this situation, and if it didn’t work out, no sweat, it’s not life or death, it’s just a camp.
Long comment, but remember that sign language interpreter students are eagar and free! (Sometimes crappy, but very motivated to get better…)
Lisa said,
July 7, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Hey, ladies-
The SSP idea is a good one. I hadn’t thought of using it at camp. We have no organized system of help for deafblind people in my state. (I’m oh-so-close but not close enough to Seattle where all the cool deafblind people live and get good services!)
When I think about it, many times, D is my SSP. I really notice how well D is trained to help me when I’m with N or other people. N is at a disadvantage as we have some of the same issues, but D has it down to instinct or just half a sideways glance of when I need help. I always thought it would be funny if I got paid for being his PCA and he got paid for being my SSP. I guess we’d have to move for that kind of funding to be available. But for specific needs like camp and things I do alone, it might be very worth looking into getting a volunteer through the interpreter programs. Good idea, Kate.