Well, I’ve been away from all technology for 4 days, not even a phone. Campity, camp camp. But more on that in a minute. Recently I made a joke with Big N that since I ended up having to tell his mother and his ex-wife what was going on, he should have to tell my father and my sister. I wasn’t totally serious, but he said he would and I was just sort of dying to know how that would go down in a sit back with the popcorn way. And also, because my family can be no holds barred brutal, and it seemed a worthy punishment for him to get the first blows.
So while I was incognito, he went and emailed my sister and followed up with a phone call. I didn’t know this till I got back today. So, how did he approach this? In his usual, glossed over, shiny way. Here is the email he sent:
Hello [sister],
we have not met as of yet, but Lisa has told me many good things about you, wonder what she has told you about me. As you know by now, Lisa and I were supposed to get married this past week. However, we did have some unexpected changes. Some were unplanned and some were caused by me.
As you may know I have two kids from before and I have developed a strong connection with both Aaron and Naim and I also love and care for your sister very much. So we had been planning to have Lisa and Aaron and Naim move up here to Canada and we had also talked about having a child together. Well,… This child decided to come along sooner then either Lisa or I thought was possible or likely is maybe more correct.
The short version of the story is that Lisa is pregnant with our baby, this has changed things in regard to earning expectations of the Canadian government to let me sponsor them as well as it has placed a great deal of stress on both Lisa and me. We are working to find a way where this will work for all of us, apart, together or somewhere in between.
I wanted you to just know what is going on with your sister, she is a very special woman and if it would be OK with you I would like to give you a call over the weekend. If you like I can call you either Saturday or Sunday at a time of your choice. Also, please feel free to call me at [number].
Take care and I do hope to meet you in person some time.
N
So that’s how it all happened! We just OOPS! had a baby sooner than we expected and baby and baby alone just OOPS! screwed up our immigration plans. Now, he screws up right off the bat by saying I said many good things about her and my sister’s bullshit detector will know that this is a glossy, shiny statement and will have her questioning everything else. (I’m sure I’ve said some good things about her, but MANY would be stretching it.) Anyway, the part that entertains me the most is the part about how we talked about having a child together and it came along sooner than expected. Our conversations were like this.
Me: I’m having a lot of difficulty with BC pills, and I don’t want to be on them forever or spend all my time/energy/money looking for the perfect birth control method. I’m 38 and we both have 4 kids between us, so what do you think about getting a vasectomy at some point soon?
N: Yeah, I can do that if that is what you want. But I have to admit that I’d love to have a baby with you. I’ve checked, it wouldn’t affect immigration or anything. (He told me this MULTIPLE TIMES, about immigration, I mean.)
Me: Well, I don’t know. I’ve very mixed feelings about having another baby (much elaboration about risks to my health and added work, but also how it would be nice to have a baby and experience just one instead of twins and yet, I’m old and practically infertile anyway and I don’t want to do ART and risk multiples again so if I start thinking about it and wanting it too much, it will drive me nuts.) So let’s just table this topic until after we are married and the move, etc. I’ll stay on BCP and you can wait on the vasectomy and we will talk again later.
N: Okay, deal. But a baby that you and I made sure would be smart/great/fabulous/cute…
Me: ok, but just for now, ixnay on the abybay, okay?
N: OK.
So, I guess they talked for about a half an hour, in which my sister asked a bunch of questions about immigration and parental leave and stuff. And then, and N was quite amused by this, she sort of went off on homeschooling, in an “Are you honestly going to let her homeschool your child?” kind of way. N, being his socialist self, was not on the homeschooling bandwagon at all when I first started talking about homeschooling the twins years ago. But after much debate with me and actually reading things I gave him to read about actual research and stuff, he is a total convert. He still says it is up to me and he wouldn’t protest if I put the kids in PS, but he really likes the idea as does D (who was always on board with it.) So, but that is typically my sister and my whole family actually, they get a bug up their ass about some arbitrary thing almost entirely unrelated to a given situation and they fixate on that as the big issue.
Anyway, my kneejerk reaction when I first read the email and heard the phone call run down was to immediately call up my sister and be all, “uh-uh. that’s not the way it went down! I was on BC pills and he said immigration would work anyway and he screwed up with child support and his other two kids and then he dumped me via email with no explanation and now he is sometimes great and sometimes being a big wuss and so this is something we are dealing with but IT IS SO NOT MY FAULT!!! I did NOT MAKE SUCH A STUPID DECISION as his email implies I did.”
But a minute later I was just like, eh? who cares really. It isn’t going to matter what I say. They are going to bitch at me either way and why waste the energy caring what they think? I’m tired. I’m going to go take a nap. I haven’t heard from her anyway, so whatever.
Moving on…camping. Camping was fun and a hell of a lot of work. I’m glad I did it, it was an accomplishment, but I’m glad its over. The kids had a lot of fun swimming, playing in the sand, hiking, campfire-ing, squaredancing (ha!), hanging out with other kids and adults, etc. It was a feel-good church campy thing with families from my church. One thing that is very hard for me is just simply keeping track of what is going on. Any time someone gathers the group together for announcements or a group activity of any type, I don’t hear about 95% of what is going on. So, I’m constantly lost, I’m incredibly bored out of my mind sitting there for forever pretending to listen, and monitor the kids who are also bored. The kids like to join in to the group activities, but they can’t quite get how to follow directions on their own and they constantly ask me questions and I just have to tell them that I don’t know. I don’t know what game they are playing or how to play it. I don’t know what she is talking about. I don’t know the words to these songs and I can’t hear them anyway. I can’t see what they are holding up, I can’t see the pictures, I can’t see where she is pointing for everyone to go. I’m just drifting along. I sometimes ask questions and I encourage the kids to ask questions and get help from others, but I can’t ask about it all, it is just too much. Its like, if you have one particular thing you missed, people don’t mind filling you in, but to just say, repeat everything that was just said for the last 45 minutes, they kind of give you a blank stare. So I have to pick and choose and prioritize where to get help. And I can usually only get help for the most vital things. (Or the things where I’m just standing there in the middle of the group, clueless. When I’m supposed to be over here doing this or something and someone notices.) Perhaps they did great activities that were loads of fun, I don’t know. I was just bored out of my ever loving mind.
But Little N, especially likes to join in for group things and people were really great about helping him and both the kids actually. It is not only my hearing/vision but the fact that I have two and there is just me that makes it hard. I think people get that more than anything. The meals were all buffet style and I had three plates to juggle and helping people would magically appear. They get that they are holding plates for the kids, but they don’t get that I don’t even know what the food is, where the forks are, when it is my turn to grab food, whatever. Once there was stuff for BLT sandwiches and I took the tongs and grabbed bacon for A. This woman exclaimed, “Do you really want him to eat THAT much bacon!!!???” And I have to say, I can’t tell how much bacon I’m giving him. Its not easy to feel quantity through tongs. I’m just lucky to get the bacon on the plate, no? They don’t think about those things. It isn’t like I expect them to, it is just hard to have people not understand you all the time. And then I can never talk to them easily at meals because it is just too loud. People come sit by me and try to talk to me and I can’t do it. I try, but one sentence takes 10 minutes to decipher and so they usually give up.
It is lonely sometimes. Being a single mom at these things as well as not hearing/seeing. People are all around you and they are very nice and you would like to talk to them. It is almost within your grasp, but you can’t quite make the connections. And then I’m constantly having to worry about keeping track of the kids and I really wish I had a partner when I see many of the other families with partners. And I put the kids to bed at 10 and then I have no one to talk to so I just lay in the dark for the next two hours being alone. Part of this was because Big N said he would go with me and I missed him, and D can’t go because the place is completely inaccessible. But I felt like this last year, too. And I think it is just part of single momhood. It is work and it is fun, and you wish you could share both with someone.
But, dispite the work I’m really glad I did it and there was a lot of fun mixed in with the work and it is really good for the kids to do stuff like this. I most enjoyed the sort of unstructured activities like swimming and walking and hanging out with whoever was around in small groups. I did get to socialize a bit with some of the other moms, and the kids got to be with their friends. And the old people are always nice to me and empathize with me a lot because they often can’t hear/can’t walk well or whatever, too and so they always make a point to stop and talk to us even if just for a moment. I’ll leave you with some pictures.
Little N collecting water for his sandcastle (in the sand volleyball court)
Little A collecting his water.
The sand might have been the highlight of the trip for them.
Playing in the very rocky creek. (OUCH! My feet said.)
Hiking in the "forest."
Tire swing surprise in the "forest."
Making goofy faces.
Little N really got into bussing tables in the cafeteria. He cleaned up after everyone.
Flowers growing inside a tree stump?!
All of our favorite time in hot weather, POOL TIME!
After s'mores and campfire. Flashlights help me keep track of them...If they keep track of the flashlights, that is.
Exhausted after a long day of fun.
*I'm loath to post this pic, but a preggo pic was requested.
*Ok, Little N took this pic after we had been swimming on a very hot day and my hair is dried swimming pool hair and..and…well, its a bad picture but I don’t really have any of me. Anyway, this is my preggo self. I’ve always had a bit of a stomach anyway, but this kid is showing RIGHT AWAY!!! After twins, my uterus went blotto expansion with the mere notion of being pregnant again. So everyone figured out I was pregnant, and some know the whole story but some were just like, “Oh! your husband (meaning D) must be thrilled!” And I was just too tired to explain and what do you say anyway? So I was just like, yeah.
Oh, and by the way, in the quiet night hours of camp when I was laying awake feeling lonely? I felt the baby move for the first time! S/he is still in there, hanging in.
