I checked one of my summer things off the To Do As If Things Were Normal List. We had the kids’ summer party on Saturday. And after a stressful start (rain, lack of picnic shelter space, and someone destroying almost two dozen cupcakes on my kitchen floor just for the hell of it) things picked up and it was a lot of fun. There were nine kids. One parent brought one of those parachute things and it was a great way to break the ice and get kids from hiding behind their mom’s backs. They ate fruit and cupcakes (provided by the Valiant Grandpa B at the last minute), played bubble stuff, made dino masks, played ball and on the playground together, chalk on cement, everyone did really well and it was fun. I’m glad I put in the stress to do it. I took no pictures, but D did take some movies and one of the other moms has pictures to share, so I’ll try to post those later.
There were funny and awkward moments. Grampa B was a huge help, I didn’t expect him to hang out with us the whole time and he did. He drove me down the block with all the party stuff, got the cupcakes, sat with me while I perseverated about the weather (and commented in his Grandpa B way, “This decision isn’t nearly as hard as when General Eisenhower had to determine whether to land all the allied troops in Normandy in bad weather!” Well, no. No it’s not.) He got extra chairs for people, he took a van load of kids to my house to use the bathroom and he helped clean up. The only issue was that almost everyone at the party either knew I was pregnant and getting or not getting married except him. D is supposed to handle that. So I was just waiting for the beans to spill right in front of him, and as far as I know, they did not.
And oh, yes. How fun it was to trip over my tongue trying to catch everyone up on my situation. Most everyone knew I was supposed to get married next week. Some already knew I was pg and some did not. So it was like this.
“How excited are you to be getting married next week?”
“Oh, well…there has been a change of plans. I’m not getting married.”
(Someone else) “Oh, your not? I’m sorry. I heard you were pregnant and things were going well?”
“They were, I am. We are working on things. I am just taking things a day at a time right now.”
(first person) “So you aren’t getting married, but you are pregnant?”
“That’s right.”
“Um….Congratulations???? Sympathies???? Sorry, what do I do here?”
“Congratulations and Sympathies works for me, thanks.”
(kid) “Mom! Mom! We need more bubble juice!”
(in my head) “oh, Thank GOD!”
Actually everyone was really cool about it. I’m greatly glossing over details for most people, though. I’ve been telling them we are having immigration problems and it is not looking good for it to be worked out.
Meanwhile, another funny conversation. I have not told the guide dog people that I’m pregnant. I’m just too freaked out by their reaction. I really don’t think the pregnancy really affects the guide dog thing at all. There is no reason why I can’t get through the training. Pregnancy is not a sickness, I have no restrictions. Afterwards, I will be active up to the birth, then take about a week off, and then be active after the birth. When the twins were born, I was on bedrest for about a month before, but I still took very short walks because I was newly blinded and I wanted to get my mobility skills up before the babies were born. And I was buggy in the house. My walks were literally around D’s apartment building or around the parking lot, but I walked daily. After a week in the hospital, I walked daily when I got home. It was one of the things that helped me keep my sanity and helped me to heal from the C-section. With this pregnancy, I hope to avoid the bedrest and the C-section, so I’m thinking as far as walking/dog wise it will only be two or three days that the dog won’t be in use. So besides finding someone to care for the dog for a few days, I don’t see how this pregnancy will affect my use of the dog. So, okay, that is my rationale for not telling them. I’m just going to wear very baggy clothes.
So, the guide dog training school nurse has been calling me for the past week and I have been avoiding her. They call everyone and go over the doctor’s report with them. My doctor’s report was submitted last winter, several months before I was pregnant. So finally, I answer the phone. I decide I’m not going to lie yet I’m not going to offer any information I don’t have to. She is running through my medical report:
“Any allergies to medication?”
“I’m allergic to lidocaine.”
“Okay, and Seasonale is listed here. Is that an allergy medication?”
“Um, no…it’s… birth control pills.”
“Oh! So I guess you are allergic to getting pregnant!”
“Heh, heh, heh. Ahem.”
Okay, she didn’t come right out and ask me if I was taking seasonale now did she? Yeah, I know…it is an awful rationalization and a lie of ommission. But screw it. I’ve got enough problems and I need a guide dog already before this baby is born.
On the Big N front…what can I say about that? After over a month of not talking to him and just exchanging short emails, I finally gave him an ultimatum. We need to learn how to talk on the phone or just forget it. I can’t deal with the stress of calling him and talking to his answering machine and then stressing when he doesn’t call back. I gave him a date and time to call me and said I need regular phone calls or I quit. We will talk through the lawyers.
And he called. And we have talked 3 times since then, I think. It’s all very bipolar. One day he says he doesn’t want to marry anyone and he just isn’t cut out for family life. The next he professes his love for one and only me and says he will do whatever it takes to work it out. I can’t keep it straight. When we talk about just regular stuff, like the kids or work or politics, we get along great. When we talk about this, it gets very convoluted and hard to sort out.
I am polite and keep some kind of emotional distance most of the time. It is very hard. Because in a usual situation, my MO in this kind of case would be to scream and yell and break up with him and be done with this bullshit. But two things stop me. One, of course, is the baby. It is the most important reason. I am connected to him for at least the next 18 years (really forever) whether I like it or not. It will be better for everyone if we find a way to work together and get along. The second reason is because he has been my friend for forever. I have seen him go through shit and he has seen me go through shit and we have helped each other out. When someone you really have considered family is hurting…even when they are fucking being idiots and you are the one who takes all the consequences of that…you still don’t want to see them hurting. It seems fair after all this time to try to stick things out.
Which doesn’t mean I’m running back into his arms anytime soon. My main goals are 1)keep the lines of communication open; 2) maintain the friendship; 3) do what we need to do to support the kids by working together. I really feel like until I get to the other side of this birth, I cannot trust myself to make decisions about him. It hurts me when he says he is not cut out for marriage. And then I get all mushy gushy when he says he loves me and I’m the only one he’s loved and we’ll work it out. Pregnancy makes you too damned vulnerable and gives you too many gooey feelings about the father and that connection to be thinking clearly enough to decide things like this. At least this has been my experience. It does weird things to your psyche. Maybe it is hormones, I don’t know. But I just need to wait a year to make any decisions in regard to him. Besides, he needs at least a year to straighten his ass up. I just need to get through the pregnancy and the birth and the sleep deprived months and then see where everything is at.
He does seem more and more committed to coming down for the birth. So, I’m getting more confident that this will happen and I will get that extra help that I need. Which actually, is another reason I want to maintain contact and improve our relationship. I do not want to push a child out of my vagina with a guy standing there who I haven’t talked to in any positive way in six months. As it stands now, D and N are going to both have to be there and that’s just the way it is going to be. N can be there for his baby and D needs to be there for me.
(Won’t that be interesting to explain to the OB nurses…)
Still haven’t dealt with my dad yet. That is really the last big conversation left to have. I’m sure there will be some interesting quotes to share out of that one. Fun times.
mia said,
June 23, 2009 at 7:15 am
You certainly are dealing with a lot, and I commend your endurance with all of this.
I’m a little worried about you and the dog. A huge part of the first year out of dog training is about creating that bond of trust with your dog so you can become a good working team. It’s not just about being able to take the dog for walks, but also giving it quality time. And, well, a baby needs that too. I know people have babies and guide dogs all the time, it’s just the prospect of having two new creatures in your life that will need attention and care (for different reasons), along with dealing with everything else.
You’re in second trimester, right? So you’ve got some dog time before the baby comes. That will be good.
I hope everything works out for you.
Lexie said,
June 23, 2009 at 7:33 am
Mia,
I appreciate your concern, but you sound like the guide dog people and the “mystical guide dog vewy speshul bond.” The dog is going to be with me 24 hours a day. I have kids who demand that I let them out and spend time with them, too! And are in love with the dog idea, and dogs demand their own set of attention, it doesn’t seem like I have much choice in the matter but to bond.
I have thought about the extra work of having to take the dog out and spend time with it. But really, I have to do all of that stuff anyway (getting up early to get the kids’ breakfast, getting the kids and everyone out of the house to go to preschool and whatnot). It isn’t going to change my life that much.
Dogs will demand what they need of you and the bond will develop no matter what I do. Taking walks is more about developing the ACTUAL specific bond that does have to do with having a guide dog, which is the working team bond, when both the dog and handler know what each other is thinking and doing before they do it. That only happens by working the dog. All the other crap people talk about is just guide dog woo woo that I don’t buy into.
Kate said,
June 23, 2009 at 9:27 am
I have to say, I LOVE hearing about guide dogs from you! I had never ever heard a blind perspective on this before this blog. I am involved in sign language interpreting, and I know so many people take interpreting classes who work with Paws for a Cause (to help out with the deaf/blind people, and also hearing dogs). THIER perspective is vastly different.
“Guide dog woo woo.”
Hahahahaha. Oh, I love it. I know exactly what you mean.
Keep on trucking. You are really just so great, there is no way life won’t work out for you.
snickollet said,
June 23, 2009 at 9:45 am
Great to get an update. I admire that you put in the work for the kids’ party–Maddie and Riley’s party will be this weekend and I’m totally letting my mom take control since I seem to have no reserves for parties, gifts, or occasions of any kind since John died.
I’m always hoping for the best for you. And I’d love to get together since we’re now in the same place! Also: I want to talk to you about UU stuff here. I’ll e-mail you.
Sorry for how scattered this comment is. Just know I’m thinking of you and the kids.
beate said,
June 23, 2009 at 9:57 am
I’m not clued into working with guide dogs, but the idea that you somehow owe the guide dog school updates on your reproductive life strikes me as ridiculous, so I wouldn’t feel guilty at all about omitting that piece of info. As for the bonding period, I’d imagine the bonding would come from your working together as a family every day of your life, not from some special one-on-one time. The notion that you need to compartmentalize dog training and child-rearing seems silly, considering that the dog’s place is going to be as your assistant with the family. Anyway, sounds like you have this part of your life under pretty good control.
cherylc said,
June 23, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Good luck with your dad, and good for him for being so helpful. Maybe he knows, and is feeling like helping? Either way, I’m glad he did help.
I laughed about the two men in the delivery room thing, but you know, I bet delivery room nurses have seen everything, or almost everything. (Please tell me it’s not the same hospital as last time. Some of those neonatal nurses sucked.)
As far as the dog goes, I’m not sure about the guide dog woo woo, or how a guide dog is different than a regular dog, but dogs do bond. Dogs bond to even to people who treat them terribly. I don’t think you have to worry about that. I can’t comment on the working relationship part, but you are very practical and I’m sure it will be fine.
Jess said,
June 23, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Dogs naturally bond with the people aruond them, they become their pack. I suppose the bigger challenge is going to be keeping the kids from wanting to play with the dog 24/7 and vice versa.
Good luck in guide school and dealing with all of their control freak issues that seem to be endemic with the school.
I think that at some point N needs to make up his mind about what he really wants out of life. Him swinging back and forth about these big decisions makes me think he’s in need of some therapy.
Lexie said,
June 23, 2009 at 9:36 pm
cherylc,
Guide dogs are regular dogs with good social skills. yes, they bond with the family no matter what. As beate said above much better than I did, there is no need to compartmentalize regular life with guide dog bonding. I’m sure there will be a lot of kid/dog bonding and playing as well. As long as they understand the rules to leave the dog alone when we are working together, there is nothing wrong with that.
Jess, N is getting therapy. And a load of it with Canada’s lovely health care system. He has been going up to 2 hours at a time 2 times a week at no charge. (My insurance will pay for 30 1hr. visits a year as comparison, and I have a copay.) So…hopefully this will help eventually. I try to have faith in him without getting my hopes up too much. We’ll see…
mia said,
June 25, 2009 at 8:34 am
Actually, Lexi, I was posting from the perspective of somebody of somebody who has had four guide dogs and knows exactly what it can be like that first year of “bonding” while you’re also trying to get on with all the other things of life like work, relationships, life, etc. I thought it might be helpful for you to hear a real world perspective on working with a guide dog, since I seem to remember that it’s been a while for you since you did, and people forget some of the realities of it.
Lexie said,
June 25, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Mia, its okay and I appreciate your thoughts. We all have different things we deal with and different perspectives on them. I’m not saying this next year will not be hard and the dog will definitely be an added aspect of that. But lets see, after I got my first guide dog, in the first year I was getting over losing Big N (round 1) dealing with Canadian immigration, fighting my university in an affirmative action case regarding student teaching, going around to every single school in my area and begging principals for a student teaching slot, had a part time job as a grocery clerk and another taking care of disabled kids, took classes, did my student teaching, graduated from college, did a huge amount of teacher fairs and job interviews around the country, applied for grad school and moved to a different state for a new job and to start grad school. No kids in my own home, granted. But dealt with lots of other kids. All that happened in a single year and Mara and I managed to bond and become quite an effective team. She was really a comfort to me with all the transitions as she was the constant. And she was/we were far from perfect that first year together. She had a barfing problem, I had to teach her all the things they don’t teach you in Guide dog school like how to get across the apartment parking lot and cut through open fields, fight it out with my apartment landlords who didn’t want her doing her business on cement even though that’s what she was trained to do, etc. Out of that whole year “bonding” was the one thing I never had to worry about. Guide dog stuff was work, yes, but bonding? Nah. It happened.
But I’m not trying to be critical of what you are saying. I realize that you are giving your opinion in a helpful manner, and I do appreciate that.