Beyond Acquara

Well, its summer time for A and N, and they have lots to look forward to. They have their summer party the Saturday after next, with 1o kids coming. I absolutely loathe entertaining with every cell of my body, it forces me waaaay out of my comfort zone. But this is one thing I’ve been trying to make myself do each summer since I do next to nothing for their December birthday. It’s a dinosaur theme this year, and I’m having it down at the neighborhood park so I don’t have to worry too much about clean house pressure. I’m hoping that if I just throw snacks and cupcakes and a craft (dinosaur masks) and some bubbles, balls, and games at them then I can just sort of let them do their thing. I’m really uncomfortable “running” a party. I’d rather everyone just dig in to what they want to do. I go to parties for kids where every second is structured, and some kids do great with that and some kids (Little A) revolt. So I’m hoping it will keep itself going. There is a really nice group of moms and dads (well, a dad) coming, so it will be fine. It makes me more nervous than it should.

After that, we are off to UU family camp. And by “camp” I mean everyone else stays in tents and Lexie, the twins and some of the elderly people stay in the lodge. I don’t own a tent, and the lodge is for the elderly and disabled, which usually would make me stay away from that designation. But I do not have money for camping gear right now and I’m too pregnant, too blind, and too emotionally fragile to force myself to find the public campground bathrooms by myself with two newly potty-trained kids and of course, my propensity for barfination at this juncture. (Yes, now that I’m moving into the second trimester, it is improving, but it still hits me sometimes.) So, give me some indoor bunk beds and a bathroom six feet down the hall and we will call that camping.

I’m all set for guide dog school after that. The camping thing and the guide dog thing will be incredibly bittersweet. These are two things I looked forward to doing with Big N this summer. Especially the guide dog thing, we had been planning that for years. I tried to talk him into going. I said he could just come for that and we could even probably still get separate rooms if he wanted space to be alone. But no go. He told them he had “work commitments” and canceled out. They promptly called me and tried to get the gossip, but I didn’t give them any. I just want to get in, do the training and get out. And if N isn’t coming this summer, I’m hoping he will be working extra through his vacation so that he can get it together and come for the birth. Seriously, I don’t even care what emotional state either of us are in, I just need two pairs of hands. Or even someone to watch the boys. Something. That is my new focus. To get him to commit (and follow through) for that.

The kids know about the baby, the guide dog, and to some extent, about N. Little A is more oblivious to it all, he is in the here and now and it won’t register that a baby is coming until the baby is here. He will talk about the baby sometimes, though. Little N is all over everything. We have had extensive discussions about why N is not coming this summer and why we may not get to go to Toronto. It has been hard to explain, but he talks about N a lot. In trying to get the boys used to the idea of N and moving and him being part of the family, I talked about N a lot and tried to involve the kids in phone calls and videochat and talking about moving and stuff. And then I think I just suddenly stopped talking about it all. Which probably wasn’t the right way to handle it.  I don’t think A noticed that much, but N definitely did. And it made him talk about moving and Toronto and Big N more. And so we’ve talked about how N still cares about us but made a mistake with his money. And Toronto is in a different country and there are rules about who can go live in different countries. And since N made a mistake, we aren’t allowed to live there right now. But we can probably still visit sometimes and we are lucky that we live in such a nice place here. It is hard to know what to explain. But the rules ‘n money excuse sounded easier then saying “Big N got freaked out that I have a baby coming and so he dumped me” or something. Gah! Little N has caught me crying and I just tell him that I miss N. And he says he misses him, too. And this is funny. Once I asked him if he would go get me a couple of kleenexes. And he took this really long time and then he came back with a coffee mug stuffed full of kleenexes. He said, here you go, mom, here is your cup of kleenexes!

My dad will be interesting. He is coming exactly 24 hours before I have to leave for guide dog school. I will be 18 weeks pregnant. The kids will talk. I’m almost thinking that there is probably a 90% chance I can get away with not talking to him until I get back. When he was here in late April, I barfed daily, took a bunch of naps, Naim and I had two or three conversations about it right in front of him, and I went to my first prenatal appointment where they gave me this big folder that says “Pregnancy Services” on the back and was holding it right in front of him. It took him nearly a week to notice one time that I had brought D’s cat to live with us, so this will only be slightly more difficult. And if he figures it out? Lucky D will have to deal with him! I’m gone for two weeks! I wonder if he will notice that Big N is not there?*

(*On the other hand, there is a 98% chance that my sister reads my blog and thus he already knows. If so, good. I hope he got all of his stomping around and bitching done well before he gets here. I’m not going to put up with it. I have enough whiney men to deal with right now.)

Oh, I know I’m not saying much. I’ll just stop typing and leave you with some summer kid pictures.