Progressing.

June 22, 2009 at 11:34 pm (Big N, Little A, Little N, Pregnancy)

I checked one of my summer things off the To Do As If Things Were Normal List. We had the kids’ summer party on Saturday. And after a stressful start (rain, lack of picnic shelter space, and someone destroying almost two dozen cupcakes on my kitchen floor just for the hell of it) things picked up and it was a lot of fun. There were nine kids. One parent brought one of those parachute things and it was a great way to break the ice and get kids from hiding behind their mom’s backs. They ate fruit and cupcakes (provided by the Valiant Grandpa B at the last minute), played bubble stuff, made dino masks, played ball and on the playground together, chalk on cement, everyone did really well and it was fun. I’m glad I put in the stress to do it. I took no pictures, but D did take some movies and one of the other moms has pictures to share, so I’ll try to post those later.

There were funny and awkward moments. Grampa B was a huge help, I didn’t expect him to hang out with us the whole time and he did. He drove me down the block with all the party stuff, got the cupcakes, sat with me while I perseverated about the weather (and commented in his Grandpa B way, “This decision isn’t nearly as hard as when General Eisenhower had to determine whether to land all the allied troops in Normandy in bad weather!” Well, no. No it’s not.) He got extra chairs for people, he took a van load of kids to my house to use the bathroom and he helped clean up. The only issue was that almost everyone at the party either knew I was pregnant and getting or not getting married except him. D is supposed to handle that. So I was just waiting for the beans to spill right in front of him, and as far as I know, they did not.

And oh, yes. How fun it was to trip over my tongue trying to catch everyone up on my situation. Most everyone knew I was supposed to get married next week. Some already knew I was pg and some did not. So it was like this.

“How excited are you to be getting married next week?”

“Oh, well…there has been a change of plans. I’m not getting married.”

(Someone else) “Oh, your not? I’m sorry. I heard you were pregnant and things were going well?”

“They were, I am. We are working on things. I am just taking things a day at a time right now.”

(first person) “So you aren’t getting married, but you are pregnant?”

“That’s right.”

“Um….Congratulations???? Sympathies???? Sorry, what do I do here?”

“Congratulations and Sympathies works for me, thanks.”

(kid) “Mom! Mom! We need more bubble juice!”

(in my head) “oh, Thank GOD!”

Actually everyone was really cool about it. I’m greatly glossing over details for most people, though. I’ve been telling them we are having immigration problems and it is not looking good for it to be worked out.

Meanwhile, another funny conversation. I have not told the guide dog people that I’m pregnant. I’m just too freaked out by their reaction. I really don’t think the pregnancy really affects the guide dog thing at all. There is no reason why I can’t get through the training. Pregnancy is not a sickness, I have no restrictions. Afterwards, I will be active up to the birth, then take about a week off, and then be active after the birth. When the twins were born, I was on bedrest for about a month before, but I still took very short walks because I was newly blinded and I wanted to get my mobility skills up before the babies were born. And I was buggy in the house. My walks were literally around D’s apartment building or around the parking lot, but I walked daily. After a week in the hospital, I walked daily when I got home. It was one of the things that helped me keep my sanity and helped me to heal from the C-section. With this pregnancy, I hope to avoid the bedrest and the C-section, so I’m thinking as far as walking/dog wise it will only be two or three days that the dog won’t be in use. So besides finding someone to care for the dog for a few days, I don’t see how this pregnancy will affect my use of the dog. So, okay, that is my rationale for not telling them. I’m just going to wear very baggy clothes.

So, the guide dog training school nurse has been calling me for the past week and I have been avoiding her. They call everyone and go over the doctor’s report with them. My doctor’s report was submitted last winter, several months before I was pregnant. So finally, I answer the phone. I decide I’m not going to lie yet I’m not going to offer any information I don’t have to. She is running through my medical report:

“Any allergies to medication?”

“I’m allergic to lidocaine.”

“Okay, and Seasonale is listed here. Is that an allergy medication?”

“Um, no…it’s… birth control pills.”

“Oh! So I guess you are allergic to getting pregnant!”

“Heh, heh, heh. Ahem.”

Okay, she didn’t come right out and ask me if I was taking seasonale now did she? Yeah, I know…it is an awful rationalization and a lie of ommission. But screw it. I’ve got enough problems and I need a guide dog already before this baby is born.

On the Big N front…what can I say about that? After over a month of not talking to him and just exchanging short emails, I finally gave him an ultimatum. We need to learn how to talk on the phone or just forget it. I can’t deal with the stress of calling him and talking to his answering machine and then stressing when he doesn’t call back. I gave him a date and time to call me and said I need regular phone calls or I quit. We will talk through the lawyers.

And he called. And we have talked 3 times since then, I think. It’s all very bipolar. One day he says he doesn’t want to marry anyone and he just isn’t cut out for family life. The next he professes his love for one and only me and says he will do whatever it takes to work it out. I can’t keep it straight. When we talk about just regular stuff, like the kids or work or politics, we get along great. When we talk about this, it gets very convoluted and hard to sort out.

I am polite and keep some kind of emotional distance most of the time. It is very hard. Because in a usual situation, my MO in this kind of case would be to scream and yell and break up with him and be done with this bullshit. But two things stop me. One, of course, is the baby. It is the most important reason. I am connected to him for at least the next 18 years (really forever) whether I like it or not. It will be better for everyone if we find a way to work together and get along. The second reason is because he has been my friend for forever. I have seen him go through shit and he has seen me go through shit and we have helped each other out. When someone you really have considered family is hurting…even when they are fucking being idiots and you are the one who takes all the consequences of that…you still don’t want to see them hurting. It seems fair after all this time to try to stick things out.

Which doesn’t mean I’m running back into his arms anytime soon. My main goals are 1)keep the lines of communication open; 2) maintain the friendship; 3) do what we need to do to support the kids by working together. I really feel like until I get to the other side of this birth, I cannot trust myself to make decisions about him. It hurts me when he says he is not cut out for marriage. And then I get all mushy gushy when he says he loves me and I’m the only one he’s loved and we’ll work it out. Pregnancy makes you too damned vulnerable and gives you too many gooey feelings about the father and that connection to be thinking clearly enough to decide things like this. At least this has been my experience. It does weird things to your psyche. Maybe it is hormones, I don’t know. But I just need to wait a year to make any decisions in regard to him. Besides, he needs at least a year to straighten his ass up. I just need to get through the pregnancy and the birth and the sleep deprived months and then see where everything is at.

He does seem more and more committed to coming down for the birth. So, I’m getting more confident that this will happen and I will get that extra help that I need. Which actually, is another reason I want to maintain contact and improve our relationship. I do not want to push a child out of my vagina with a guy standing there who I haven’t talked to in any positive way in six months.  As it stands now, D and N are going to both have to be there and that’s just the way it is going to be. N can be there for his baby and D needs to be there for me.

(Won’t that be interesting to explain to the OB nurses…)

Still haven’t dealt with my dad yet. That is really the last big conversation left to have. I’m sure there will be some interesting quotes to share out of that one. Fun times.

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Summer

June 10, 2009 at 8:18 pm (Little A, Little N, Pictures)

Well, its summer time for A and N, and they have lots to look forward to. They have their summer party the Saturday after next, with 1o kids coming. I absolutely loathe entertaining with every cell of my body, it forces me waaaay out of my comfort zone. But this is one thing I’ve been trying to make myself do each summer since I do next to nothing for their December birthday. It’s a dinosaur theme this year, and I’m having it down at the neighborhood park so I don’t have to worry too much about clean house pressure. I’m hoping that if I just throw snacks and cupcakes and a craft (dinosaur masks) and some bubbles, balls, and games at them then I can just sort of let them do their thing. I’m really uncomfortable “running” a party. I’d rather everyone just dig in to what they want to do. I go to parties for kids where every second is structured, and some kids do great with that and some kids (Little A) revolt. So I’m hoping it will keep itself going. There is a really nice group of moms and dads (well, a dad) coming, so it will be fine. It makes me more nervous than it should.

After that, we are off to UU family camp. And by “camp” I mean everyone else stays in tents and Lexie, the twins and some of the elderly people stay in the lodge. I don’t own a tent, and the lodge is for the elderly and disabled, which usually would make me stay away from that designation. But I do not have money for camping gear right now and I’m too pregnant, too blind, and too emotionally fragile to force myself to find the public campground bathrooms by myself with two newly potty-trained kids and of course, my propensity for barfination at this juncture. (Yes, now that I’m moving into the second trimester, it is improving, but it still hits me sometimes.) So, give me some indoor bunk beds and a bathroom six feet down the hall and we will call that camping.

I’m all set for guide dog school after that. The camping thing and the guide dog thing will be incredibly bittersweet. These are two things I looked forward to doing with Big N this summer. Especially the guide dog thing, we had been planning that for years. I tried to talk him into going. I said he could just come for that and we could even probably still get separate rooms if he wanted space to be alone. But no go. He told them he had “work commitments” and canceled out. They promptly called me and tried to get the gossip, but I didn’t give them any. I just want to get in, do the training and get out. And if N isn’t coming this summer, I’m hoping he will be working extra through his vacation so that he can get it together and come for the birth. Seriously, I don’t even care what emotional state either of us are in, I just need two pairs of hands. Or even someone to watch the boys. Something. That is my new focus. To get him to commit (and follow through) for that.

The kids know about the baby, the guide dog, and to some extent, about N. Little A is more oblivious to it all, he is in the here and now and it won’t register that a baby is coming until the baby is here. He will talk about the baby sometimes, though. Little N is all over everything. We have had extensive discussions about why N is not coming this summer and why we may not get to go to Toronto. It has been hard to explain, but he talks about N a lot. In trying to get the boys used to the idea of N and moving and him being part of the family, I talked about N a lot and tried to involve the kids in phone calls and videochat and talking about moving and stuff. And then I think I just suddenly stopped talking about it all. Which probably wasn’t the right way to handle it.  I don’t think A noticed that much, but N definitely did. And it made him talk about moving and Toronto and Big N more. And so we’ve talked about how N still cares about us but made a mistake with his money. And Toronto is in a different country and there are rules about who can go live in different countries. And since N made a mistake, we aren’t allowed to live there right now. But we can probably still visit sometimes and we are lucky that we live in such a nice place here. It is hard to know what to explain. But the rules ‘n money excuse sounded easier then saying “Big N got freaked out that I have a baby coming and so he dumped me” or something. Gah! Little N has caught me crying and I just tell him that I miss N. And he says he misses him, too. And this is funny. Once I asked him if he would go get me a couple of kleenexes. And he took this really long time and then he came back with a coffee mug stuffed full of kleenexes. He said, here you go, mom, here is your cup of kleenexes!

My dad will be interesting. He is coming exactly 24 hours before I have to leave for guide dog school. I will be 18 weeks pregnant. The kids will talk. I’m almost thinking that there is probably a 90% chance I can get away with not talking to him until I get back. When he was here in late April, I barfed daily, took a bunch of naps, Naim and I had two or three conversations about it right in front of him, and I went to my first prenatal appointment where they gave me this big folder that says “Pregnancy Services” on the back and was holding it right in front of him. It took him nearly a week to notice one time that I had brought D’s cat to live with us, so this will only be slightly more difficult. And if he figures it out? Lucky D will have to deal with him! I’m gone for two weeks! I wonder if he will notice that Big N is not there?*

(*On the other hand, there is a 98% chance that my sister reads my blog and thus he already knows. If so, good. I hope he got all of his stomping around and bitching done well before he gets here. I’m not going to put up with it. I have enough whiney men to deal with right now.)

Oh, I know I’m not saying much. I’ll just stop typing and leave you with some summer kid pictures.

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I’m having a Baby?!?!

June 5, 2009 at 8:50 pm (Big N, Pregnancy)

N and I have done a bit of back and forth communicating this week mostly about abortion and money. Abortion came up because Planned Parenthood called me to say that I shouldn’t come in (if I was planning to) unless I called them first so they could set me up with an escort. Due to the terrorist killing of Dr. Tiller, they had to increase security measures in a number of ways that scared the crap out of me. I told N, I may be strong, but I am not that strong. Not that it affected my decision not to abort, but it was just the final nail in the coffin. I will write something about the murder of Dr. Tiller another day, it very much affected me during this time in my life. We talked about money and he is doing his part financially so far. We have said some nice words to each other.

But today, I was actually very, very happy to be pregnant. And I wrote to tell him about my thoughts on that. In my recent habit of complete writing laziness, I will do another cross post and just paste here what I wrote to him.

That hits me every so often. Woah. How the hell did this happen?

So, here is our baby:

baby2 12 weeks

Now, I know that to you, this whole notion of a baby is sort of a weird far away idea that basically amounts to a big gihugic ball of stress. I get that. But every once in a while, it hits me that me and you fell in love and made love and made a baby. And this is one of those days.

So, I’ll tell you about the picture. It is a picture from the almost 13-week ultrasound. I have about ten pictures of hands, feet, face, and head and other things. The one here is the entire baby. It is lying on its back. His/her (I’ll just say her for now) head is on the lower left and you can see the profile of her face, nose, ear and mouth. Her bottom is on the lower right and you can see her legs almost straight up and sort of kicked up leaning on the wall of my uterus. Which is kind of funny because it reminds me of when you would lay in your bed with your feet up against the wall and just be all chill. This kid is very chill. You can see her hand up by her face, you can see the four finger tips and thumb. When you see the live ultrasound, you can see that she is just stretched out, relaxing and taking it easy on a friday afternoon with not a care in the world.

D was funny, because I think he was still expecting blob pictures when I knew that if all was well, it would look like an actual, albeit skinny, baby. So, immediately when the ultrasound started he was all “Woah! There’s a real live baby in there!” And I could see it a little bit, moving around, but he is the one who said it looks like you and how you just sit down and chill out wherever you are. We heard the heartbeat, which sounded much more like a heartbeat this time and is all good. The baby is about 4 inches long, which is right where it should be. I only have the preliminary results from the nuchel translucency, but so far all of that is very good and my chances of having a kid with a chromosomal abnormality actually went way down and are far less than 1%. They are supposed to let me know the exact calculations in about a week. Everything about me is fine. My blood pressure and weight and all of that. My kidneys are working at the same rate they work when I’m not pregnant so far, meaning not perfectly, but no worse than usual.  I’m going back on July 8 and that is when I will have the big anatomical ultrasound and find out the gender.

What is strangely different about this baby vs. the twins is that even though I knew intellectually that half of their genetic material came from someone else, that person was almost a shadow in my mind and getting to know them when I was pregnant was all about me and me only. With this child, even though you are far away like Sergei, I know you. I know what you look like, what you feel like, each of your 400 voices, your little mannerisms, how you think. And seeing the baby connects me to you. I mean, D is there and he has been very helpful and supportive, and he is going to bond with this kid in his own way…but for me it brings me closer to you. That we combined to make this little thing that swims around and waves her hands around and covers up her face when the ultrasound thingy comes close to it. That there is a part of you inside of me that will combine uniquely with me and become this person all of its own. And that’s when I’m all, N and I made a baby? Wow.

So,  I think it is about time to stop talking about abortions and be happy and thankful that this kid is doing so well. At some point, the baby deserves to be wanted. I can’t look at the twins now, and I’m sure you can’t look at K and R now and think, “you are the cause of all my problems! Vanish!” We love them for who they are and we know that we brought on our own situations. And I can’t look at the baby that way either. There is a reason for this child to be here. Every roadway to me terminating has been blocked with ridiculous and not so ridiculous stuff. There is a force all of its own that seems beyond me that makes this baby keep going. And I just have to follow where it leads.

There is all this evidence of a huge connection between the mother’s stress level and outlook during pregnancy and the child’s mental health. I have been trying to be extremely careful to be practical about the true challenges I am facing, but also not be a ball of depression. To feel what I feel when I need to cry, be mad when I need to be mad, but to also try to be as positive as I can be and not lose myself in the abyss of misery that I sometimes dance around. There have been nights when I would wake up in a panic every few minutes and get myself back to sleep by just saying over and over again meditation-style, “I’m going to be okay, I can do this, I’ll find the answers, I’m going to be okay.” And it does help.

The situation I’m in with you actually reminds me a frightening lot of what happened when D lost his foot. He made a mistake of ignoring a problem, wishing it away, so that it wouldn’t interfere with me/us and what we were trying to do together. In another context, his neglect of his problem might not have lead to such drastic and horrible consequences. But because of the situation, his denial/neglect of his health problem almost killed him and put us in turmoil for the next two and a half years. Not only was he fighting for his life and I was having to deal with all of that stress, but I was virtually left alone with two babies and no money for months and months on end. I can’t tell you how many times I watched an ambulance take him away, holding a kid in my arms, wondering if the kids would ever see him again. But I think he learned a lot about himself, tried to fix his mistakes, and we did get through it. Not that he or I am perfectly wonderful in how we still do everything now, but we did get through it and things have and are still improving.

I think you did exactly the same thing. You neglected a problem that you were maybe in a large bit of denial over, in part because you had all of these other plans with me. In another context, the mistake might have not been a huge disaster, but in this case, the consequences of your neglect are big. And here I am again, left alone with a kid again. In a weird way, there is some relief here. Because something was nagging and nagging at me. Something about you and how you say just the right thing all the time and rarely disagree with me. It would nag at me to the point where I would push and push and lash out, just trying to see where the cracks were and what was real and what wasn’t. And now you have admitted to the problem and are seeing it for what it is, and getting help for it. And I know it is not easy and takes time, but you are not dying. You will get through it and I will not have to hold this baby as I watch the ambulance drive off with you and wonder if you are going to make it. I think we can find a way to get through this.

Because you know what? I did not go through losing you 16 years ago, to find you and lose you again 8 years ago, to find you, concieve a child in love with you and lose you again for the third time. This is not how we end. And this is not how this child will end. I don’t know what will happen and what all this will look like, but we have a baby and we both have enough love for it and we both have enough brains and strength for it. We will find a way to figure this out somehow.

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